A Guide to Dressing for the Cold

Annie's Log, 1/18/16

In the harsh winter months, when the winds chill to the bone and make it incredibly difficult to leave the comfort of one's bed, motivation is hard to come by.

Fear not, however, for there is still hope of staying warm when forced to exit the heated walls of civilization. This Guide to Dressing for the Cold is available for anyone who fears the chilly air, whether that air is located in Siberia, or simply between you and your car, or even you and the shower.

Anyone will tell you that the key to remaining warm in the cold is layering. The following will detail the steps you should take to layer yourself so that you can defend against the cold.

Step 1: Layer yourself with emotional support.

The first layer of your emotional support should be determination.

If you are not completely determined to make it through the cold, you should probably just crawl back under a blanket where it's warm and quiet and not windy.

Next, layer yourself with anger.

Be angry at the cold! How dare the cold give you goosebumps or make you shiver?! Stupid temperatures! The heat of your own anger and hate-fire will keep you warm on the inside. (*Safety warning: if it would be helpful to break a thermometer or two to build up your anger, don't use one that has mercury in it*)

Finally, layer yourself against expectation. Protect yourself from it. 

Even if you know that the air outside is sub-zero (or slightly less warm than the air around you at the moment), don't think about it. Assume nothing. That way you won't be disappointed or shocked or angry when you encounter the cold. If you do this correctly, the most you'll feel is mild surprise and intense resentment.

Step Two: Begin physical layering.

Layer yourself with the pelts of conquered animals, or materials you harvested from the earth. Things that thrive in the cold (yaks, bears, wild scarf-bushes, mitten trees, etc.) are your best bet.

If these are unavailable, I guess regular clothing will do.

Start with socks. Socks are great. The thicker the better. They don't have to match one another. Heck, you can wear two socks, or three. You can even wear socks on your hands if you don't have gloves or mittens. Pour some soup into a thermos, and then pour the soup directly into a sock for an on-the-go snack. You can use the other sock to carry around crackers. Tape a sock to your nose and you'll look like an elephant. Socks can be used to make sock puppets if you find yourself stranded somewhere due to inclement weather and moral is low. Socks are great!

Long sleeves and long pants are next, which makes sense. Then grab a jacket. Cool, next step.

Step 3: Layer yourself with extra clothing.

FASHION?

Grab another shirt or jacket, maybe a sweater, another pair of socks.

Step 4: Layer yourself with even more clothing.

Grab another jacket or a shawl or something, and layer yourself with more determination, anger, and anti-expectation while you're at it.

Step 5: Keep going. You're not layered enough yet.

Grab a scarf or a throw rug or something. I don't know. What do you have around the house? Just go for it and use it to layer against the cold. You wanted to look good while staying warm? Yeah, that's a different guide.

Step 6: Don't stop now. You'll probably still be cold. Trust me.

Grab a hat and a scarf and apply them accordingly.

If you followed all of the steps correctly, you should look like Ralphie's little brother from A Christmas Story:

"I can't move my arms!"

You are now ready to go out. You'll probably still be cold. Good luck.

End log.

The Snow Has Begun to Fall

Annie's Log, 1/16/16:

In the immortal words of Ned Stark, Lord of Winterfell:

Actually, it's already here. In Syracuse, at least. Kind of.

Let me explain.

While I was driving back up to the Great White North, I was able to watch the temperature drop and the snow rise with each state I passed through. It was like walking through the Wardrobe into Narnia over the course of 11.5 hours. Magical, if slightly tedious.

Leaving the relative warmth of the South in exchange for what was surely going to be the death of me (if I didn't turn into a Yeti first) was difficult but necessary, and eventually worthwhile, for when I got to Syracuse, there were inches of snow on the ground. Inches!

It was like Christmas, except it felt more like Christmas (it was like 70 degrees in Wake Forest on December 25th this year).

Then all the snow melted the next day because it was 40 degrees outside. I actually heard someone say that it was "hella warm outside" at that time, which, comparatively speaking, I guess was true.

The next day there was rain but no snow, which led to ice but still no snow.

And then there was Sunday. Sunday was the culmination of days of "Lake Effect Snow Warnings" (when I asked a local what exactly that meant, she just laughed and said "It's coming, don't bother trying to be prepared."). Sunday was the beginning of my own personal Arctic adventure.

At approximately 2130 hours, the flurries started. By 2200 hours, the snow was in full blast. I went outside and built a tiny snowman to celebrate.

On the way back up to my apartment after building the tiny snowman in the parking lot, I heard a girl say, "Somebody tell Ned Stark that winter finally showed up!"

At 0830 hours the next morning, I received a text message from my boss at work telling me to stay home because our scheduled "staff development day" had been cancelled. At this point, the snow was still falling heavily and I rolled over and went back to bed.

When I woke up,  at 0945, it was Siberia outside. 18 degrees, but it felt like 1 degree with the wind chill. That's one, singular degree. One. Uno. Ein. Un. And then it chilled out for a little while (get it? "Chilled" out?), before starting up again even more ferociously at 1630. And that's where I am now.

In my room, in fuzzy socks with a  mug of hot chocolate and homemade chicken noodle soup in my fridge. I have winter boots and thick socks and fluffy scarves and hopefully that'll be enough to get me through to March.

End log.