In the harsh winter months, when the winds chill to the bone and make it incredibly difficult to leave the comfort of one's bed, motivation is hard to come by.
Fear not, however, for there is still hope of staying warm when forced to exit the heated walls of civilization. This Guide to Dressing for the Cold is available for anyone who fears the chilly air, whether that air is located in Siberia, or simply between you and your car, or even you and the shower.
Anyone will tell you that the key to remaining warm in the cold is layering. The following will detail the steps you should take to layer yourself so that you can defend against the cold.
Step 1: Layer yourself with emotional support.
The first layer of your emotional support should be determination.
If you are not completely determined to make it through the cold, you should probably just crawl back under a blanket where it's warm and quiet and not windy.
Next, layer yourself with anger.
Be angry at the cold! How dare the cold give you goosebumps or make you shiver?! Stupid temperatures! The heat of your own anger and hate-fire will keep you warm on the inside. (*Safety warning: if it would be helpful to break a thermometer or two to build up your anger, don't use one that has mercury in it*)
Finally, layer yourself against expectation. Protect yourself from it.
Even if you know that the air outside is sub-zero (or slightly less warm than the air around you at the moment), don't think about it. Assume nothing. That way you won't be disappointed or shocked or angry when you encounter the cold. If you do this correctly, the most you'll feel is mild surprise and intense resentment.
Step Two: Begin physical layering.
Layer yourself with the pelts of conquered animals, or materials you harvested from the earth. Things that thrive in the cold (yaks, bears, wild scarf-bushes, mitten trees, etc.) are your best bet.
Start with socks. Socks are great. The thicker the better. They don't have to match one another. Heck, you can wear two socks, or three. You can even wear socks on your hands if you don't have gloves or mittens. Pour some soup into a thermos, and then pour the soup directly into a sock for an on-the-go snack. You can use the other sock to carry around crackers. Tape a sock to your nose and you'll look like an elephant. Socks can be used to make sock puppets if you find yourself stranded somewhere due to inclement weather and moral is low. Socks are great!
Long sleeves and long pants are next, which makes sense. Then grab a jacket. Cool, next step.
Step 3: Layer yourself with extra clothing.
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| FASHION? |
Grab another shirt or jacket, maybe a sweater, another pair of socks.
Step 4: Layer yourself with even more clothing.
Grab another jacket or a shawl or something, and layer yourself with more determination, anger, and anti-expectation while you're at it.
Step 5: Keep going. You're not layered enough yet.
Grab a scarf or a throw rug or something. I don't know. What do you have around the house? Just go for it and use it to layer against the cold. You wanted to look good while staying warm? Yeah, that's a different guide.
Step 6: Don't stop now. You'll probably still be cold. Trust me.
Grab a hat and a scarf and apply them accordingly.
If you followed all of the steps correctly, you should look like Ralphie's little brother from A Christmas Story:
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| "I can't move my arms!" |
You are now ready to go out. You'll probably still be cold. Good luck.
End log.
I would very much like to see a wild scarf-bush!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for any suffering you've endured in this year's Syracuse winter. Having now lived in central New York longer than I did when growing up in western Massachusetts, and being a naturally-insulated individual, I find I can forego the determination, anger, and endless layers in favor of a medium-weight fleece jacket, an occasional scarf and one pair of socks. But I know that makes me seem weird and/or crazy.