A guide to walking in public

Annie's Log, 11/15/15:

I have been walking since I was about 10 months old. As such, I consider myself somewhat of an expert on the subject. Walking may seem like a singular, individual action. This is not necessarily so. When there is at least one other person around, you are walking in public. This is one of many misconceptions about walking that I would like to address in this, "A Guide to Walking in Public."

Firstly, when walking in public, there are certain unspoken courtesies that are apparently no longer considered the norm. This presents problems when walking around in crowded places such as, say, a college campus. I have witnessed firsthand many ambulatory faux pas, and am taking to the internet to address them.

1. Walking in public alone:

When you are in a public place and walking alone (ie., not with another person or a group of people), it is easy to fall prey to the tiny human-trap in your pocket. This human-trap is more commonly known as a "cell phone," and college-aged persons are particularly susceptible to its wiles. While walking in a public place, avoid the desire to become completely and utterly sucked into your human-trap and keep your wits about you. Avoid WWD ("Walking While Distracted") at all costs.

WWD can lead to any number of Public Walking Infractions, including (but not limited to) the following:

• Creating a Social Divide:

• This Public Walking Infraction happens when a person splits a group of people (or worse, a pair of people) by walking between them when they are attempting to have a conversation. This is incredibly rude, but does provide the people you've just divided with a new topic of conversation (how rude you were).
• Becoming a Personal Space Invader:

• WWD is, by definition (which I just made up), the act of walking around without knowing what's happening around you. This can lead to one of the most awkward walking infractions, which occurs almost exclusively when looking down at one's palm, typically at the screen residing there. Unbeknownst to the walker, someone in front of him has slowed or stopped completely, because that person was paying attention to his or her surroundings. The Walker, whose continuing momentum moves him forward, will get right on up in another person's business, effectively popping their personal bubble. This is incredible inappropriate and uncomfortable for everyone involved. Don't be responsible for Personal Space Invasion. Every time you do, a puppy is less willing to cuddle with its owner.
• Tailgating:

• This rule is named after following too closely behind someone while in a car, not getting drunk in a parking lot before a football game. You may be thinking that this seems eerily similar to Becoming a Personal Space Invader. You would be wrong. Tailgating happens while in motion, and is infinitely worse than Personal Space Invasion because the Walker subconsciously adjusts his speed to match that of the person in front of him, despite the efforts of the person in front of him to shake the Tailgater. Tailgating often results in Personal Space Invasion, which sucks, yo.

2. Walking in public in a pair:

• All of the faux pas committed by a single Walker can be committed by a pair of walkers, but are made worse because there are two Walkers and they should know better, darnit.
• Walking in the Middle of the Road:

• While it may be a good idea to walk down the middle of the road in a metaphorical sense, as in "don't rock the boat" or "don't make waves" or "stop being stupid, you're ruining the group project for everyone." For Walkers, it's a terrible thing. It results in problems for groups of Walkers who are following the Rules of the Walk by breaking them up, causing them to split up and needlessly interrupting their lives.

3. Walking in public in a group:

• All of the above infractions are multiplied tenfold when committed by a group of Walkers. They're the worst kind of Walkers, and deserve to have foot cramps and to just miss the crosswalk and have to wait for the next one.
• Boxing Out:

• While boxing out is encouraged in basketball players and moving companies, it is highly discouraged when walking in public. Taking up more room than anyone else on the sidewalk and forcing others to go "offroad" or to step aside and wait for your horde to pass is inexcusable, even if you find yourself caught up in the thrill of conversing with your group. Don't do it.
• Boxing Out One of Your Own:

(This is a dramatization of Boxing Out One of Your Own)

• The most heinous of crimes, this typically occurs in groups of 4 Walkers, and results in one member of the group having to walk behind the other three because there's no more room for them across the sidewalk. Not only is this rude to the person in your group who is now forced to walk alone, but it is discourteous to others who not only have to take the time out of their day to move out of your way, but now also must judge you for your poor treatment of your Walking-Mates.

I hope that this brief guide to Walking Etiquette has helped shed some light on your strolling patterns and has perhaps even made you consider your own walking patterns. Tune in next time for my Guide on Appropriate Interactions with Pets.

End Log.