Useless Superheroes

Annie's Log, 12/01/15

To make up for the fact that I haven't written a post in a while (life gets in the way sometimes, and so does driving to Florida), I've decided to post a stupid list I put together a while ago for a friend of mine.

She texted me "HELP ME COME UP WITH A USELESS SUPERHERO" and I cannot tell you how happy I cam that I am the first person she turned to with this problem. My response, immediately, was "WHAT PARAMETERS DO YOU NEED i LIVE FOR THIS KIND OF THING."

With "literally no parameters," I came up with the following list of (completely made-up (by me)) superheroes. Enjoy:

• Doctor Pepper: uses pepper spray and other spicy things to incapacitate his/her enemies-only weakness is milk
• This one was deemed too useful. Use that to tell you just how dumb this list is about to get.
• The Dust Buster: beats people with his Swiffer of Justice. Weakness is window cleaning spray.
• Professor Paranoid: self-explanatory.
• The Snail: protected by a shell, he is capable of excreting a goo to stop his enemies (very, very slowly)
• I was literally looking around my apartment for random objects for inspiration
• Corporal Planet: a suckier version of Captain Planet
• Unfortunately, my young friend was in need of an idea for her high school Spanish project and had never heard of Captain Planet. I told her to YouTube it and moved on
• Band-Aid Girl: capable of fixing small, mildly annoying problems. If you have anything serious, go to Hospital Woman.
• The Blister: rubs enemies the wrong way.
• Dr. Gum: stops evil-doers with gum on their shoes.
• The Time Traveler: capable of moving forward in time, only at a normal pace.
• The Match: Burns brightly for justice, but only for a short period of time, provided it's not windy outside.
• Potato Man: Brings starchy justice to criminals in the form of his Masher of Might.
• The Ventriloquist: he doesn't do a whole lot, but his dummy kicks ass.
• The Eye Doctor: not super effective, but he does dilate villains' pupils, which is a mild inconvenience.
• Battery Man: very powerful for, like, 30 minutes but as soon as he gets below 40% he panics and has to find an outlet.
• Similarly, Sprint: very strong, but only for a maximum of, like, 100 meters.
• Hiccup Man: has the power to inflict hiccups on his enemies, so long as they don't drink a glass of water or hold their breath.
• Songbird: all she does is sing at people. No powers, just Top 40 hits.

I may or may not end up doing something with this list. Rest assured, however, that I won't plan on donning a cape and turning into one of these "heroes." I'm good at coming up with stupid heroes, but I'm not stupid myself.

End Log.